Insecurity has been filling up my time lately. I have been thinking of how dependent I am getting towards my close friends. Whenever I wanted to do something, I felt as if... it was necessary to get their "approval" on it. I seemed to have lost my individualistic behavior as I can't seem to be by myself anymore.
It used to be so simple. I had set to myself a few basic rules to follow after my dad died. One of it being that I should never get close to anyone, because everyone would leave you one day. If you never get close to them, then you would never end up getting hurt again. I've been breaking that rule lately it seems... as I can't seem to go through the day normally without spending time with certain people.
But, just because I hang out with them almost everyday, doesn't mean that I have told them about what has been going on lately. I still have my mask on, even if the pain was excruciating... I don't like to trouble any of them with any of it as they have their own problems to deal with. Who am I to further burden them and spoil the fun?
Little pieces of me are breaking away from myself. I've change into something that I wish it had never existed. I wonder if I would still be able to keep a straight face when the time comes and I have to be separated from them. I guess only time will tell.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Time heals... and a lot of zombies help too!
Hey people~~
Gosh I know I have been sooooo out of touch with the blog already and it has been sooo emo lately especially the last one, but I will try to keep it updated as much as I can minus the anger ehehe.
Anyways, after the last post I felt waaaaay better, as in my mood hahaha! And it helps to have some zombies around to kill as well hehe. Nowadays a lot of us are just addicts when it comes to Left 4 Dead 2. We almost couldn't go on without playing it everyday, seriously!
But it does the heart and soul good, especially when you get to kill your friends in there! And the blood... oh the blood... one word, beautiful. You guys should really play it if you haven't hahaha!! It is way better than going to a shrink for therapy hahaa!
Thanks to L4D2 I manage to have even more close friends and also strengthen the ones that I already have, along with making new ones. Nowadays I always hang out with Bentan, Patricky, Yo-yo Jon, Datuk Boomer Daniel, and Jia Gen, my high schoolmate whom I never really talk to before. He's in Taylor's now and will be leaving for the US next month.
All I have to post for now as I'm still eating my hugeeee lolipop I found in my fridge earlier! Half way done!! Hehe see ya people!
Gosh I know I have been sooooo out of touch with the blog already and it has been sooo emo lately especially the last one, but I will try to keep it updated as much as I can minus the anger ehehe.
Anyways, after the last post I felt waaaaay better, as in my mood hahaha! And it helps to have some zombies around to kill as well hehe. Nowadays a lot of us are just addicts when it comes to Left 4 Dead 2. We almost couldn't go on without playing it everyday, seriously!
But it does the heart and soul good, especially when you get to kill your friends in there! And the blood... oh the blood... one word, beautiful. You guys should really play it if you haven't hahaha!! It is way better than going to a shrink for therapy hahaa!
Thanks to L4D2 I manage to have even more close friends and also strengthen the ones that I already have, along with making new ones. Nowadays I always hang out with Bentan, Patricky, Yo-yo Jon, Datuk Boomer Daniel, and Jia Gen, my high schoolmate whom I never really talk to before. He's in Taylor's now and will be leaving for the US next month.
All I have to post for now as I'm still eating my hugeeee lolipop I found in my fridge earlier! Half way done!! Hehe see ya people!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Where are you?
Seriously … I can’t believe that none of them remembered what the 29th of March is… All of them are having the time of their lives like it never happened… they don’t even seem to have any remote feelings about it… Why do I have to go through it alone?
Back then, I was the one who had to be the grownup when everyone was too busy going through their grief… What about me? Who was supposed to be in charge of me? I was just a kid... Why do I have to take care of all of you and say that everything is going to be alright when you guys are the ones that were supposed to be telling me that?
When one of you had conflicts with each other after the event, why do I have to be the catalyst of the conflict? What did I do to make myself be in that position? Why am I to be blamed? Why can’t you blame yourself instead of blaming the kid who had to take care of all of you?
When one of you got sick, I had to be the one to stay at home and take care of you. No one else wanted to volunteer. Was school unimportant for me to go through? Why was it that a kid had to be the one to take care of a grownup? Why was there no one helping me when I was sick? Where was my hand of salvation?
When one of you was full of anger, I was the one that you vent your anger out to. I was the punching bag for you, even though I was going through the same thing as all of you. Why couldn’t you return the favour and let me at least yell at one of you to make myself feel better?
When one of you wanted to cry, I gave you my shoulder to cry on… Why wasn’t I treated the same? Why couldn’t I have the time to cry for myself? Instead, I was there looking after all of you, being strong for you.
I was there for all of you, where was my support?! And now after 10 years, you act is if he doesn't exist anymore… All of you just laugh at your jokes and complain about whatever idiotically petty matters that you are going through while I am still suffering. Even after 10 years, am I still the adult and still have to keep my feelings to myself? I can’t even have a normal conversation with anyone of you, because I don’t even know what to say to all of you anymore… Where’s my shoulder to cry on? Who do I vent my anger out to? Who is going to take care of me? Where is everyone…?
Back then, I was the one who had to be the grownup when everyone was too busy going through their grief… What about me? Who was supposed to be in charge of me? I was just a kid... Why do I have to take care of all of you and say that everything is going to be alright when you guys are the ones that were supposed to be telling me that?
When one of you had conflicts with each other after the event, why do I have to be the catalyst of the conflict? What did I do to make myself be in that position? Why am I to be blamed? Why can’t you blame yourself instead of blaming the kid who had to take care of all of you?
When one of you got sick, I had to be the one to stay at home and take care of you. No one else wanted to volunteer. Was school unimportant for me to go through? Why was it that a kid had to be the one to take care of a grownup? Why was there no one helping me when I was sick? Where was my hand of salvation?
When one of you was full of anger, I was the one that you vent your anger out to. I was the punching bag for you, even though I was going through the same thing as all of you. Why couldn’t you return the favour and let me at least yell at one of you to make myself feel better?
When one of you wanted to cry, I gave you my shoulder to cry on… Why wasn’t I treated the same? Why couldn’t I have the time to cry for myself? Instead, I was there looking after all of you, being strong for you.
I was there for all of you, where was my support?! And now after 10 years, you act is if he doesn't exist anymore… All of you just laugh at your jokes and complain about whatever idiotically petty matters that you are going through while I am still suffering. Even after 10 years, am I still the adult and still have to keep my feelings to myself? I can’t even have a normal conversation with anyone of you, because I don’t even know what to say to all of you anymore… Where’s my shoulder to cry on? Who do I vent my anger out to? Who is going to take care of me? Where is everyone…?
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Reminiscence of the past...
Hey people,
It's been over a month since I posted anything on the blog.. so sorry about that. Too much has been going that did not allow me to have any free time to update it. Right now I'm struggling as it is writing even this post.
The month of depression has reached yet again for another consecutive year. The effects seem to have kicked in earlier than expected, as I'm having those old feelings yet again. I can already see that I'm starting to distance myself from people, and I can see that I've been staying away from my family again.
I've been trying to focus my mind on the things I need to do instead of dwelling upon the past, but the effort seems wasted as I'm still enveloped by it. Especially on the month filled with mixed feelings.. Mostly bringing up painful memories..
Bitterness, sorrow, anger, all of them are swirling and being stirred inside of me frequently as I think of the past even more. The feel of joy, happiness, and love seem so distant now. I'm not even sure if I can hold up a smile in front of others for this coming month. For anyone I may hurt this coming month be it physically or mentally, I apologize for it now. This won't be an easy month for me...
It's been over a month since I posted anything on the blog.. so sorry about that. Too much has been going that did not allow me to have any free time to update it. Right now I'm struggling as it is writing even this post.
The month of depression has reached yet again for another consecutive year. The effects seem to have kicked in earlier than expected, as I'm having those old feelings yet again. I can already see that I'm starting to distance myself from people, and I can see that I've been staying away from my family again.
I've been trying to focus my mind on the things I need to do instead of dwelling upon the past, but the effort seems wasted as I'm still enveloped by it. Especially on the month filled with mixed feelings.. Mostly bringing up painful memories..
Bitterness, sorrow, anger, all of them are swirling and being stirred inside of me frequently as I think of the past even more. The feel of joy, happiness, and love seem so distant now. I'm not even sure if I can hold up a smile in front of others for this coming month. For anyone I may hurt this coming month be it physically or mentally, I apologize for it now. This won't be an easy month for me...
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Enough is Enough, Eternity must End
This is the english essay I wrote for my assignment on hate crimes. Unfortunately word limit was 600 so I had to cut out a lot and this is the end product hahaha! The title of the essay is the post title.
Brian was your everyday average 17 year-old student. He was active in sports, scored above average in his academic studies, and was liked by many of his peers. But, that all changed when he admitted himself publicly to be homosexual, and for that reason alone, he was outcast by a majority of his peers. People started to treat him differently from before. It started off with teasing, and then it progressed into bullying, gossiping, physical abuse, and eventually, death. Brian was killed by a group of students not older than he was, just because he was gay. This is only one of the few hate crime cases towards homosexuality out there. The world said that it has changed from before. Homosexuality cases do not happen as often as it used to. But does that fact hold true?
One of the most controversial hate crimes cases towards gays is the Matthew Shepard case. This took place in the town Laramie, Wyoming back in 1998. Matthew Shepard was a local boy of age 21 who was murdered in an inhuman manner. On October 7th, he was lured out of the bar by his assailants, and was taken into the outskirts of town where he was not only robbed, beaten, and pistol-whipped, but was also tied up to a fence and was left to die there alone. He was found 18 hours later and was airlifted into the nearest hospital but unfortunately, died officially on October 12th due to severe injuries caused by the attack. The court ruled one of his killers, Arthur Henderson, to two consecutive life sentences in jail, after he agreed to testify against his accomplice, Aaron McKinney. The court was considering sentencing McKinney the death penalty, but Shepard’s parents had stopped the court from doing so. Shepard’s family believe that enough blood had been spilled over this issue. “Mr. McKinney, I give you life in the memory of one who no longer lives. May you have a long life, and may you thank Matthew every day for it.” said Denise Shepard, in his closing statement during McKinney’s trial.
10 Years later, another case had risen just a few days before Valentine’s Day. The name of the victim was Lawrence King, a 15 year-old boy from Oxnard. A few weeks before his death, Larry (as known by his peers) had announced publicly that he was gay. A few days before Valentine’s Day, Larry had asked his classmate 14 year-old Brandon McInerney to be his Valentine’s. Brandon refused him and 2 days before Valentine’s, he had shot Larry on the head with a gun. Larry was announced as brain dead the day after the shooting, and was taken off life support on February 14th. Brandon was charged with first degree murder, and is currently in a juvenile facility in Ventura.
A year after Lawrence King’s, another case had emerged from Corona del Mar High School, California where a young lesbian student was threatened by three football players of the same school who had said that they would murder her. The parents of the student had expressed their concerns for her safety to the school officials, but no precautions were taken to insure the safety of the student. It was only until the American Civil Liberties Union sued the school for fostering a “homophobic” and “sexist” atmosphere did the school officials took the necessary precautions for the lesbian student as well as insure that they were not fostering any of the mentioned atmospheres.
As seen, even though people have said that the world has changed its attitude, it is still happening over and over again. The highlighted cases mentioned are only a few of thousands of other hate crime cases towards homosexuals. According to FBI reports, hate crimes due to sexual orientation have been on the rise from the year 2005 up to date despite what the media have said. Enough blood has been spilled, the eternity of hate crimes must be removed for real change.
Brian was your everyday average 17 year-old student. He was active in sports, scored above average in his academic studies, and was liked by many of his peers. But, that all changed when he admitted himself publicly to be homosexual, and for that reason alone, he was outcast by a majority of his peers. People started to treat him differently from before. It started off with teasing, and then it progressed into bullying, gossiping, physical abuse, and eventually, death. Brian was killed by a group of students not older than he was, just because he was gay. This is only one of the few hate crime cases towards homosexuality out there. The world said that it has changed from before. Homosexuality cases do not happen as often as it used to. But does that fact hold true?
One of the most controversial hate crimes cases towards gays is the Matthew Shepard case. This took place in the town Laramie, Wyoming back in 1998. Matthew Shepard was a local boy of age 21 who was murdered in an inhuman manner. On October 7th, he was lured out of the bar by his assailants, and was taken into the outskirts of town where he was not only robbed, beaten, and pistol-whipped, but was also tied up to a fence and was left to die there alone. He was found 18 hours later and was airlifted into the nearest hospital but unfortunately, died officially on October 12th due to severe injuries caused by the attack. The court ruled one of his killers, Arthur Henderson, to two consecutive life sentences in jail, after he agreed to testify against his accomplice, Aaron McKinney. The court was considering sentencing McKinney the death penalty, but Shepard’s parents had stopped the court from doing so. Shepard’s family believe that enough blood had been spilled over this issue. “Mr. McKinney, I give you life in the memory of one who no longer lives. May you have a long life, and may you thank Matthew every day for it.” said Denise Shepard, in his closing statement during McKinney’s trial.
10 Years later, another case had risen just a few days before Valentine’s Day. The name of the victim was Lawrence King, a 15 year-old boy from Oxnard. A few weeks before his death, Larry (as known by his peers) had announced publicly that he was gay. A few days before Valentine’s Day, Larry had asked his classmate 14 year-old Brandon McInerney to be his Valentine’s. Brandon refused him and 2 days before Valentine’s, he had shot Larry on the head with a gun. Larry was announced as brain dead the day after the shooting, and was taken off life support on February 14th. Brandon was charged with first degree murder, and is currently in a juvenile facility in Ventura.
A year after Lawrence King’s, another case had emerged from Corona del Mar High School, California where a young lesbian student was threatened by three football players of the same school who had said that they would murder her. The parents of the student had expressed their concerns for her safety to the school officials, but no precautions were taken to insure the safety of the student. It was only until the American Civil Liberties Union sued the school for fostering a “homophobic” and “sexist” atmosphere did the school officials took the necessary precautions for the lesbian student as well as insure that they were not fostering any of the mentioned atmospheres.
As seen, even though people have said that the world has changed its attitude, it is still happening over and over again. The highlighted cases mentioned are only a few of thousands of other hate crime cases towards homosexuals. According to FBI reports, hate crimes due to sexual orientation have been on the rise from the year 2005 up to date despite what the media have said. Enough blood has been spilled, the eternity of hate crimes must be removed for real change.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
New Discovery About Myself
I made the most surprising and saddening discovery of myself in the past 36 hours. I came to a conclusion unfortunately that I can never ever eat crabs again... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Gasps fills the air*
Yes! It's true! And I came to this conclusion from yesterday's dinner and lunch. We had crabs for both meals and unfortunately after eating it, my throat started to clam up as if something was stuck over there. And my chest, near the lung area started to build up some kind of air and it hurt like hell over there. It's like when you want to burp, but can't and the air fills up in your lungs as if it was about to explode.
When I had this 'Attack' on myself after lunch, my mom suggested I eat something sweet. She was about to grab the condensed milk, but thankfully she saw the chocolate spread instead and made me eat it. Supposedly this would clear up my throat but it didn't work that way, unfortunately and I gained a lot of fat from that method I suppose. I'm so going to die from diabetes one of these days, I can feel it.
Anyways, bottom line is right now I have to stay as far away as I can from crabs unless I want to kill myself. I threw up a few times earlier so it should be out of my system already.
I love eating crabs ever since I was little... woo wes me..... no more crabs... Why oh WHY CRUEL FATE?!?!?!?! *Emo-ing in progress in his room to the fact that life has removed crabs from the menu*
Yes! It's true! And I came to this conclusion from yesterday's dinner and lunch. We had crabs for both meals and unfortunately after eating it, my throat started to clam up as if something was stuck over there. And my chest, near the lung area started to build up some kind of air and it hurt like hell over there. It's like when you want to burp, but can't and the air fills up in your lungs as if it was about to explode.
When I had this 'Attack' on myself after lunch, my mom suggested I eat something sweet. She was about to grab the condensed milk, but thankfully she saw the chocolate spread instead and made me eat it. Supposedly this would clear up my throat but it didn't work that way, unfortunately and I gained a lot of fat from that method I suppose. I'm so going to die from diabetes one of these days, I can feel it.
Anyways, bottom line is right now I have to stay as far away as I can from crabs unless I want to kill myself. I threw up a few times earlier so it should be out of my system already.
I love eating crabs ever since I was little... woo wes me..... no more crabs... Why oh WHY CRUEL FATE?!?!?!?! *Emo-ing in progress in his room to the fact that life has removed crabs from the menu*
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
First Week Back
Hey people!
Wow been awhile since I posted, but I'll try to update it as soon as I can. Been too busy with too much work... Anyways, the new semester had officially started last week on Monday, and it couldn't have been sooner. I miss hanging out with everyone a lot! I especially miss the "pasar malam" noise that we can always hear in the CAE Office every morning.
I quite like my schedule for this semester since I'm only taking 3 subjects. But 1 of it is quite tough, which is ENL 102 (English Composition II). We already had to start working on our final project in the first week and hand in the idea this Thursday, which I still have no clue what I should choose as a topic.
It's still weird not seeing a lot of familiar faces in the CAE Office anymore, but life goes on as I'm slowly getting used to it.
The first few days were quite fun, and suddenly the sluggish feeling of wishing for an extended holiday came back. But so far it's all good. I really like learning SOC 103 (Sociology) right now as it's a really fun and interesting subject, and Ms. Lim makes it even more fun to learn.
ED Board work seems to be piling up with each day, and there has been so much that's been going on that's making it feel so stressful that I just want to quit (Don't worry, I won't). I still haven't finish editing my own article let alone the other writer's articles. And I still need to plan out the general ED Meet meeting for next week, and keep myself updated with the Bake Sale and Writing competition that we will be hosting next month. Thankfully I have a good bunch of slaves... I mean diligent co-workers to work with.
I'm already starting my application for the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire. I'm almost done with it I guess, just need to get the bank statement from my parents which they said to wait until next month, and to take my TOEFL test on March. I'm going to apply to only 1 university I think as the deadline for most of the other universities are at the beginning of March, which means I can't even apply because I don't have my TOEFL test results yet. The earliest I got for the TOEFL test in Subang Jaya was on the 13th of March. Thank goodness the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire accepts pending TOEFL results when you apply for the university, or I wouldn't have made it in time for the scholarship application. Hopefully everything goes well and I get accepted or else I'm screwed.
I've been working a lot in the Marketing Office last month, and I'm still helping out during the weekends this month for education fairs and stuff like that. Hopefully I could earn some money in my bank account instead of leaving it empty like any other day before. After paying for the registration cost of my TOEFL exam, my current balance is almost 0. Spent too much before, pay the price I guess.
The past year was full of sweet and bitter memories... Hopefully this year would be better than the last. Time to get back to work I guess... See ya people!
Wow been awhile since I posted, but I'll try to update it as soon as I can. Been too busy with too much work... Anyways, the new semester had officially started last week on Monday, and it couldn't have been sooner. I miss hanging out with everyone a lot! I especially miss the "pasar malam" noise that we can always hear in the CAE Office every morning.
I quite like my schedule for this semester since I'm only taking 3 subjects. But 1 of it is quite tough, which is ENL 102 (English Composition II). We already had to start working on our final project in the first week and hand in the idea this Thursday, which I still have no clue what I should choose as a topic.
It's still weird not seeing a lot of familiar faces in the CAE Office anymore, but life goes on as I'm slowly getting used to it.
The first few days were quite fun, and suddenly the sluggish feeling of wishing for an extended holiday came back. But so far it's all good. I really like learning SOC 103 (Sociology) right now as it's a really fun and interesting subject, and Ms. Lim makes it even more fun to learn.
ED Board work seems to be piling up with each day, and there has been so much that's been going on that's making it feel so stressful that I just want to quit (Don't worry, I won't). I still haven't finish editing my own article let alone the other writer's articles. And I still need to plan out the general ED Meet meeting for next week, and keep myself updated with the Bake Sale and Writing competition that we will be hosting next month. Thankfully I have a good bunch of slaves... I mean diligent co-workers to work with.
I'm already starting my application for the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire. I'm almost done with it I guess, just need to get the bank statement from my parents which they said to wait until next month, and to take my TOEFL test on March. I'm going to apply to only 1 university I think as the deadline for most of the other universities are at the beginning of March, which means I can't even apply because I don't have my TOEFL test results yet. The earliest I got for the TOEFL test in Subang Jaya was on the 13th of March. Thank goodness the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire accepts pending TOEFL results when you apply for the university, or I wouldn't have made it in time for the scholarship application. Hopefully everything goes well and I get accepted or else I'm screwed.
I've been working a lot in the Marketing Office last month, and I'm still helping out during the weekends this month for education fairs and stuff like that. Hopefully I could earn some money in my bank account instead of leaving it empty like any other day before. After paying for the registration cost of my TOEFL exam, my current balance is almost 0. Spent too much before, pay the price I guess.
The past year was full of sweet and bitter memories... Hopefully this year would be better than the last. Time to get back to work I guess... See ya people!
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